I am the sun

When going through the hard, it is where I sit inside myself the deepest and the longest. Who am I? Who am I when no one else is there. And I have been sitting in the deep for the last few weeks now. I have been questioning myself, my life, my future, my hopes and dreams. I have been unearthing my feelings. All of them.

I shy away from pain. I think it is such a human thing. To avoid pain in whatever way we can. I was shying away from the pain with the hope that he would change his mind. Even if I didn’t say that out loud. My phone would go off and there would be a fraction of a second that my breathing would be irregular in seeing who it was. I held on. I hurt. I processed it. I was still healing. But I was holding on too. 

When things ended it felt like my sun disappeared. I wondered if I would ever find it again. I had never had a love like that. Every love I have been graced with has been so different. I wanted to hold onto that one and it slipped through my fingers. It felt so very much like the darkness swallowed me. I wondered if I would ever smile again. Ever laugh. Ever dance in the sunshine. 

I wondered if someone else would love me like that. I wondered if I could dance with another in the sun. I wondered if I would be able to so easily and trustingly give my heart to someone else after this. I wondered if I would be worthy enough to have anyone else ever want to give their heart to me. I wondered if someone would ever stay. I wondered if I would ever find the sun again. 

I give myself grace for these thoughts. In the midst of heartbreak and deep pain, my darkest fears and blackest thoughts arose. It was a huge blow to my heart and I swooped in to protect it. I swooped in to let it lay on the floor hurting for a bit. It needed it. To some extent, it still does. 

My feelings are flooding. They are often different from my logical thoughts. I feel deeply. I think through things as well. I find that my writing leans 90% into the feeling. It’s my way to express the feeling. As I should and do. 

What I feel today is different from the day of, the day after, the week after. I read the emotions in my earlier posts (If you write, I can’t recommend this enough). I felt that heartache. I also saw the missing element. I was missing my own love, my own strength, my own self. 

I felt in that deep dark moment that my world ended. 

My world didn’t end. One person doesn’t end my world. 

A chapter closed. A beautiful and painful chapter. My world is more than a chapter. I am the main character. I am the sun. I am grateful this morning to be feeling this. 

Pain is a process. There is no right or wrong timeline. Glimmers of happiness emerge to be pushed down by waves of sorrow. That is still happening. But I know firmly this morning that I am my own sun. I will of course dance in the sunshine. But if I am being honest….I will fucking dance in the rain too if I have to.

You will too. You are your own sunshine. No one can take that away from you.

You are your own story. Everyone else, is but chapters.

Dance in the sun. I'll dance with you one day.