My Writing Dried Up

I paused. My writing dried up. Maybe my thoughts did too. 

I don’t want to write to impress anyone. I don’t want to write because I feel I am supposed to. I don’t want to write and have it be anything less than truth, what I need, what comes out. 

And I hit a place where I didn't need to sit at my computer. I have felt things. But it's been a whirling mess of it all. I haven't really come down yet to rationalize any of it. I am still trying to figure out if it’s because I don’t want to share what is in my head, if I don’t understand it yet, if I am still healing or just still hurting. It’s a mixed bag and I have just been turning it off sometimes. 

I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But it is my truth on this day. 

Am I running away? Am I hiding? Am I embracing a new path and a new life? 

Am I stripping off roles I no longer want to fulfill anymore or am I just jumping into the next high of a new trip and a new path I don’t know if I will follow? 

Am I pretending I am ok because I am traveling so much? Am I leaning too heavily into gushing about the adventures I get to do and the life I get to lead right now because there is still pain in the lives and paths that didn’t work out that would have resulted in such different realities? Am I pretending deep down that I am finding my fulfillment here? Or is this a distraction to what my heart may be yearning still for? I don’t know right now. 

Time away. I know it is exactly where I need to be despite not knowing fully what is going on in my head. Time away to continue to feel and experience and see if new paths seem like the paths for me to joyously continue down. That’s the best I can do right now. And I think that is enough at this exact moment. 

What are my hopes and dreams? Is it ok that day to day it seems to be to cope, to experience and to listen to my heart to see what feels right and ok and good? I am trying to listen. I am trying to feel. I am trying to just let my path unfold without anxiety or fear or shame getting in the way. What do I need? What is best for me? What is my truth? 

Is this what life is? The balance and silent battle of being so grateful for what has come so excitedly into your life while also being so broken by the things that have exited. Am I still broken? Have I ever not been broken? Will I ever be able to release the past that still gripes me so tightly no matter how much I laugh and smile? 

Today I woke up and felt like I needed to come back to the computer and write; so I did. Even if it may not be this compiled thought or this wonderful post about my trip to Iceland or my current stay in Denver. I felt so much. I feel so much. Sometimes it just doesn’t come out. Today….it did.