My Peace

There is a peaceful calm in self acceptance. I am learning this. Day by day. I have never been good at this. I have always found fault in myself before I have recognized strength. I have looked through a lens of perfection and how I have never come remotely close. 

I want to call bull-shit on perfection. What is perfection anyways? Perfection through our own lens of how that is defined? Perfection that is through someone else's lens of how that is defined? Perfection in the ways society shoves down our throats what it is supposed to be? Perfection is such a damaging word. It has done so much damage to me. Even as I type this and know this, there is still that hateful word that is resting in the back of my mind. 

Not good enough.

Not smart enough.

Not brave enough.

Not good looking enough.

When did we let the world define for us what was enough or what was perfect? 

Or maybe….that's just a question for me. When did I believe I wasn’t enough, that what decisions I made were never going to be right, that I conditioned myself to tell half truths, explain things in positive lights, feel embarrassed when I did speak my truth? 

I have let others define my self worth for so long that, that peace I had also sought, I could never attempt at reaching. I either would feel empty inside from not obtaining perfection from others, or in the glimpses of moments in life where I heard the words I longed for, I moved onto my next circus trick, needing to hold onto it. 

Both resulted in pain. Both resulted in this unrest and unsettled feeling in life. 

So as I continue on this journey of finding myself and my peace, I realize what I have been chasing all along has been what has hurt me the most. I lived off the high of validation. I danced on the strings so readily held for me. I smiled and laughed and was the good girl everyone thought I should be, myself included. 

Peace to me is not finally resting my head down and going quiet. 

Peace is protecting myself no matter the cost. Cutting the strings. Looking within. Finding the quiet in my head - the true voice that indicates if I am on the path I want to be on. 

Peace is not shying away from sharing the things that bring me joy. 

Peace is having deep and hard conversations where you don’t know how someone else will react, but doing it anyway for your own self. 

Peace is embracing the choices I am making, standing firm and deeply in them and giving myself the present of accepting them, acknowledging them, sharing them without uncertainty. 

Peace is the recognition within myself that I am worthy. Worthy of love. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of the beautiful moments in life. Recognizing and allowing myself to experience these things without guilt or shame. 

I am learning my inner peace. I am always learning it. I think I just feel like I am in a place in my life where I am actually laying down my fake smile so that I can pick up my genuine one. That instead of saying false words that are boilerplate language, I actually feel them deep inside. That this is my damn year. That if nothing else, I am going to seek my peace.