The Cost

The impact of jumping off the cliff for yourself is the life at the top. 

Your new life will cost you your old one. Sure, there are things you can carry over. Yes, not everything has to look completely different. But if your mindset changes, won’t it all change anyways; how it feels; how it looks? Won’t it end up being so different then what it was? 

I don’t hear about this enough though…the cost. The pain that is associated with the cost. Letting go is one of the hardest things I have faced and am facing currently. All I want to do is hold on. I want to live in the old dreams. It feels so heavy and hard to create new dreams. I am still grieving the life that isn’t serving me. Hope and dreams had carried me there. It’s hard to have it come to a stop now. Those dreams now haunt me. The “could have been” at this point. It’s comfortable. It feels like safety. 

And what is it that is a part of me that can’t just let it go yet. I haven’t fully been able to let it go. Those dreams. They were massive. They were a version of such a beautiful life that branched out so magically into the world. I still want that. They were powerful and loving dreams. Even as my heart continues to accept those dreams were not and are not reality. I am playing catch up on that reality still. I haven’t shaken it. 

Is that fear? Fear of the unknown ahead. 

Is that love? Unconditional love that just refuses to fade. 

Is that hope? Hope for things to magically change so they can still come true. 

This next upcoming year is about me. I know I need to let those old dreams go. I need room for new dreams. I just find myself in this in-between. You are saying goodbye but not saying hello yet. You are feeling empty and just need to sit in it instead of something filling your soul. I know I need this time to discover so many new things. But the cold reality of it is that I am closing a door on dreams without having all the replacements yet. I find this step to be the absolute most gut wrenching and scary thing. 

What if my new life isn’t better than my old? 

What if I am alone forever?

Maybe my old life wasn’t that bad? It doesn’t feel as bad as this vacant empty feeling sometimes. 

Questions that plague me. Thoughts that consume me. Fears that have kept my feet rooted at the top of the cliff. I don’t know what is below. I guess that is, but the point. 

So I ask for the world to meet me where I am at. Uncertain. Scared. Pretending so much of the time to have it all together. Unsure which way is up and which way is down at the moment. But I do want more. I do want better. I do want to rewrite my story. I am dedicated to this. I am choosing to be dedicated to myself. It just means it’s messy. As I find it so typical of life. 

So it is messy. It is painful. It takes me on a roller coaster of emotions. Welcome to the journey ahead.