I Just Need To Bleed

I just need to bleed out through my keyboard this morning. The trapped pain just needs to come out. Because I am suffocating with it. I don’t want to feel all of this. I never envisioned that I would be here at this stage of my life feeling all of these feelings. 

I want to heal. I want to be whole. I want so much for a life ahead that is full of joy and laughter. Crying at my keyboard feeling so overwhelmed in emotions is not where I want to be anymore. 

When will it stop hurting? When will I stop feeling like my stomach fell out from under me? When will this overwhelming need to want to fix everything no matter what it does to me stop? 

I want it all to stop. 

Why does it hurt me so much? I am just trying to heal. Why does my healing have to hurt someone else? What does that make me? 

I want to curl up in a ball here in this condo and never uncurl. I don’t want to take chances that might bring me here again. I don’t want to leap, in this moment, because the idea of falling is too crushing. I don’t want to fall anymore. I have fallen so much. What if I can’t pick myself up and dust it off next time? I don’t even know if I am doing a good job this time. 

Maybe this is the healing…letting it out. Like venom from a snake bite. I am letting it out and fuck if it doesn’t feel like the worst thing ever. I will eventually pick myself up from this. I always do. I suppose that is my track record. But for now….here is my cold hard honesty: 

• I sometimes feel like I should be alone forever. Like I am damaged and no one will truly want me if they look close enough. 

• I am so desperately afraid of being alone. Sitting in the silence of my aloneness is one of the scariest and hardest places for me to be in. I have spent a lifetime avoiding it or pretending around it. 

• I often think I am just not worth it. I am not worth love. 

Tomorrow I will try to pick myself back up. Today, I know I will dry the tears streaming down my face. I will take a deep breath and I will put a smile on my face and pretend I am not bleeding out. I am very good at that. 

In this year's quest for more, better, different it will also have the cold hard truth of healing. It is not pretty. It is not easy. There are days that are going to take me out. And today feels very much like one of them. But that is what this journey is. The hard and the good. I will share it all. Because that will help ultimately I know, in wanting a year that focuses on me. And the challenge is not to hide, even when it’s ugly. And it sure is hell pretty ugly right now.