I'm Talking To You...Yes...You

Hello You. 

Yes you. The you that I see each and every day. The you that deserves to be seen, heard, and truly felt. I am talking to you. You may not believe me, but I am really looking this time. I promise. 

I can understand you not looking me in the eye. I can completely get why you have such a purse in your lips, the downturn of your lashes and the tenseness in your body. I can ask you to look at me, truly look back at me and fully understand the dullness in those eyes of yours. The eyes I look into each and every day but don’t really see. I haven't seen you have I? Seen you in the ways you have needed me to. 

I hope one day you can look back at me and unclench your jaw. I hope that the gold flecks in your eyes will shine brightly again. I hope the smile that comes to your lips will be a smile we both know is genuine, instead of the forced muscles that have too readily played their part. 

I know I have let you down. I have failed you so much in my life. I know this deep in my soul. I can look at you and see it, feel it, know it. I have not been nice to you. I have not prioritized you. I have not allowed you to show yourself; your true self to the world so much of the time. Your secret desires; I have pushed them down so much and so often that I know it's hard for you to even know what they are anymore. I have shied away from you shining in this world. We both know I have. 

I have not protected you. I used you like a shield to the rest of the world. Of course you are hardened. You have become so readily accepting of falling on the sword for others that you don’t even know how to stop. I taught you that. I threw you to the wolves in that respect. 

I've seen you only as this sacrificial lamb, not as the being that needs to be loved and protected and cared for. I can see it all over your face. It’s hard for you to even remotely believe my words to you now. You are rigid and unbelieving of what you deserve. I did this to you. I am so fucking sorry I did this to you. 

It’s been a long journey for you and I, hasn’t it? We have seen so much. We have felt so much. We have endured so much. I want things to be different between us. Do you think you could let me try and fix so much of the damage I have inflicted on you? Do you think you can forgive me and learn to trust me again one day? Do you think it’s time for us to start doing things differently? 

It is no excuse. This I know. I learned from early on that if I took care of those around me, you and I would be safer. I carried that through every friendship and relationship I had. All in the name of “being safe.” I people pleased to the extreme and I got so caught up in it, that I forgot the one person that should have mattered most….you. And thus it began, this vicious cycle of wanting everyone around us to love us, like us, accept us. Meanwhile you and I both know I didn’t accept you and you didn’t accept me. 

I am not that little girl anymore. I feel stronger now, even going through hell. Maybe that is why I feel stronger. Do you feel that strength? Do you believe in that strength? 

I see you. I am not looking away this time. You are important. You are loved. Your peace is worth fighting for. It’s about damn time I am seeing this…don’t you think?!

You have held me up, supported my decisions to neglect you, shied away and hidden in your shell for too long. Those green, blue eyes with the flecks of gold…look up my dear and see me when I am telling you; I am here; I am not going anywhere; I love you; you are enough; I vow that we will start living for us. 

You deserve the world. You deserve my actions in showing you that you deserve the world. 

It’s time; don’t you think? 

Do you hear the sincerity in my words? Do you see the seriousness in my face? Do you see the flecks of gold starting to shine just a little bit? 

I am talking to you. Yes…YOU. The one I see each and every day. Who looks back at me in the mirror. That can see through my lip service, bullshit, farce, fake smile. I am talking to you. 

We will do this together ok. We will smile that true smile I know you have; and it will be because I am taking care of us, finally, after all these years. I am not going anywhere.