My Story Is Not Over

Your story is not over. For as long as you wish to tell it, to live it, to embrace it, you are not done. I see this, even on this rainy May day here in Portland Oregon. The somberness matches my mood. I feel my body regulating. I am back from a trip. Yet to go on my next. I am in between. It’s my time to resettle. I suppose it is exactly what I need after the ups and downs I have been undergoing. I like stable. I always have. So it feels like such comfort to me.

In that comfort as I look out over the backyard, the rain drizzling down, the greyness in the sky and the wilted white flowers beyond in the Mock Orange that hangs over the pond, I feel the breath coming back into my lungs, recharging, bringing new and fresh air. Today will be a better day than the last. Tomorrow will be even better. 

I can feel my story continue to unravel, day by day, moment by moment, feeling by feelings. The pain of the past is just that; it is the past. I know it will just continue to fade. I am grateful; so very grateful for that knowledge. 

My story is not close to over. Looking back, I also know the story that is there; while it is my own; while it is something I have learned much too late in life to be grateful for despite the pain; will absolutely not predict or tell what my future story is to be. It has played its part. Joy and pain. Fear and pureness. It has all played its part in the makeup of who I am today, the woman currently looking out the window at the rain cascading down, lost in thought and writing because simply, it makes me feel good.  

My heart is what it is because of my past. My mind is where it is because of my past. My soul has come this far and learned this much because of my past. So in this moment, of breathing into the fullness of my lungs this sweet air, I feel such gratitude for the lessons and gifts I have received in my past. They have led me here. I have walked the path I have walked because of each and every one of them. 

The unknown can be such a scary place. I have sure spent too much of my life agonizing over the unknown, the future yet to be told, the anticipating of what could happen instead of just embracing what does happen when it does happen. It would be a lie for me to say I have fully outgrown that. The unknown still scares me. Some days, much more than others. I worry still. I wonder and allow my thoughts to turn negative when I think of what I don’t have yet in life, what I still want, what I will do if they don’t come. It is all still there. 

Right here, right now, I am trying to think about the unknown in the inverse to how I typically feel about it. The excitement of things coming that you didn’t see or dream of. The possibilities still at your fingertips. The paths you have wanted to take that finally lay out to you like a red carpet. The paths that you are forced off of because you have such beautiful and different ones ahead. 

I can’t know what my future fully will hold. Isn't there a soft beauty in that? The dreams that will come that you don’t even know to think of? 

Do me a favor. Think back at your life. Think back to just 3 dreams you had that didn’t come true. That you are grateful didn’t come true today. Take a minute. This is important. 

Did you think of 3? 

Did you really think of 3 or are you just continuing to read through the blog post. Really…stop and think of 3 dreams you had that didn’t come to fruition. Now, you can see those dreams were not right for you for whatever reason…timing, such a bigger dream came over that, it just didn’t fit in the life you were building, etc. 

Sometimes, the things we so badly want in the moment, are just simply not meant for us and not meant for us to walk that path. We have another path. And we may not know it yet. So it might be so painstakingly hard to leave a path we thought we wanted. 

But as I am watching the ground soak up the much needed rain on this already too hot of May, I am thinking about the path I will be walking in the next month, the next year, the next 5 years. There is a lot of terrain to uncover. The paths of my past will be just that, my past. And I am nervous but excited to see where my new path goes. I know my story is so very far from over. I still have so much to experience and do. And I am opening my eyes wide, for me, to ensure I am taking paths that will be good for my heart and soul. 

I really wanted you to think of your 3 dreams that you were thankful didn’t come to be. The feeling I have inside right now, the contentment, the peace I feel. I want you to feel that for a minute too. 

But I will also share mine. It helps me remember that lost dreams are sometimes ok to be lost. 

1. I used to dream and think that if I could build my own mini house on the side of our house so that I could have an office and reading place that was simply my own, I would be happy. I dreamed of a porch, sitting in the sun, writing out my soul on my computer. I wanted locks on all the doors of this little house so it could be mine and I could lock out the entire world if I wanted. 

A few years after this dream, I was buying my own house with every single room being my own that could be my reading or writing place. I had my own massive deck where I could sit in the sun and write. I didn’t need locks. 

2. I used to dream about the perfect house, husband, children and wedding. I used to pinterest the bridesmaid dresses. I used to look at the flowers. I used to envision the wedding unfolding and the life that we would have after that. The school events. The soccer games. The perfectly manicured lawns. I used to dream about fitting into society in that way and chasing that dream of having it all. 

We had bought the house. We had discussed marriage. We had discussed children. 5 years ago we ended our 11 year relationship. We are both so much happier and healthier humans out of the relationship and chasing those “shoulds” of society. It doesn’t mean either one of us may not want some of those things on the list…or all of them one day. But with each other, that wasn’t our dream to unveil together. And that..simply is ok to feel that.

3. I used to dream about the next step in my career journey. Back when I worked in finance. If I could just pass my licensure tests I would love the field. If I started taking on clients I would love the field. It is a lucrative field to be in. It will set me up for financial success. I dreamed of being a financial advisor like my two boss’s I worked for. 

I left the field. I opened my eyes to realize it wasn’t making me happy. I now work in healthcare and have grown my career in a field I didn’t need to convince myself to dream about. I learned so much in leading a team, having the fiscal responsibility of a department, and growing a portfolio. I find myself currently in a place where I am fully remote and I just traveled to Arizona, Banff, Colorado and Iceland is next on the list, where I have so much flexibility to dream about my career but also other things. I could never have imagined this career path and place in my life back then. 

Our stories are yet untold. We are not too old. We are not too young. We have the power and opportunity to change what is not serving us. And sometimes, the lost dreams are really the blessings too. It is simply life putting you on another path; and that path has so much potential to be even more beautiful and magical than you can see right now. That is what I am choosing to believe on this day. And in believing in that, I feel content.