Dear Future Husband

I used to write to my “future husband” through-out my life. Times particularly challenging. 

I wrote to this person almost daily as a child. I had this notion that all my fears, pains, unworthy feelings would feel less if I had someone to write to, that I believed I would find in the outside world that would save me from these things. 

Silly I know. I don’t believe anyone saves you these days but yourself. But I still find comfort from time to time to write to my future husband. It helps me feel like I have something still unwritten in my life that will be beautiful and magical. 

I would know it was him, because I would want to share these very vulnerable writings with. Pleas and cries out to the universe to save me. To help me understand. To make me believe its going to be ok. I needed to feel like one day, I would be sitting side by side with him reading these letters. I would likely be avoiding eye contact as he read it all. 

I would never trust someone I didn’t actually think was my future husband. Thats a step I just wouldn’t take if I didn’t know in my bones. 

I was planning to sit down with him this next week and share these with him. I was planning to pull them all up…and show him the past pain I endured. The past hopes and dreams and worries and stresses. The past me that just needed to believe that he would one day be reading them. It was him. I can just see it. Me writing to him all these years. He is the type of person I would trust these vulnerabilities with. Trust my heart with. 

It was supposed to be him. And I can’t tell you how much pain it brings me as I sit here today alone. It was supposed to be him. He was everything. He was the safe person I needed in this world. This world has chewed me up and spit me out plenty. He was the person I knew when i met him I wanted to read those letters. 

Now; I don’t much care about them. And writing to a future husband…it just feels like I would be writing to him. But he isn’t here. He didn’t choose me. It can’t be him. 

And here are my blackest of thoughts today: 

• I am going to be alone forever. I don’t trust easily. It will be that much harder after this. 

• I don’t like hiking alone. I say I do because what else are you going to say…I have noone to go with. 

• I’m lonely. I am so lonely it hurts. 

• I don’t blame him for leaving. I am not good enough. 

• I honestly could care less about any of the things I used to care about. 

• Noone really needs me in this world. I just take up unwanted space. 

Dear Future Husband,

You don’t want to come near me. I am broken. I have always been broken.