Did I just put myself first and the world didn't fall apart?

I was proud of myself yesterday and today. Proud of myself because I know I made a decision I wouldn’t have made a year ago…let's be honest, likely not even 2 months ago. I forced myself to make them. I cried while I did. But I did it. 

I walked away from someone I was potentially looking at dating. Which brings us to the dating apps and my new era of being single in 2025 while I am destined to be the happiest I have ever been. That’s a tall order. I know this. I am fighting a lifelong journey of not feeling like I am enough and so when you face being single it’s hard not to get in your head. 

What is wrong with me? Why am I single at 36? Everyone around me just is coupled  up and looks so happy. I feel my aloneness. It is everywhere. What do I want? What do I need? What kind of people will come into my life? What other people will leave my life? What pain do I have ahead of me? 

And then lets just add into the mix the online dating scene. You need tough skin. And I go in phases of this. It helps me know exactly where I am at and if I am in a healthy place. There are so many things that have not felt great when I already have felt lonely and just…alone. So truth be told, the last few months I have started dipping my toes into the waters again, I have wondered if I can do this, is this serving me, if I am happy doing this? And I guess I still don’t know. 

So back to this scenario in which I put myself first. My heart. What my soul needed. Not what someone else wanted. Not the people pleaser in me. Not the short term ideas. I think this is one of the black and white examples I have (and I don’t really know if I have that many of them) where I took care of Anne the way Anne needed. 

I had plans to go snowboarding for a first date. Yes I know that seems a little foolish, but I just wanted to lean into the “taking life by storm in the dating scene.” Living a little. I just wanted to do it. So we set it up. I took a day off work. I worked long hours all week to ensure I could get the day off. I even started packing. And then he sent me a selfie. 

The selfie didn’t look like his profile. That was the start. And to be clear, it is the lie that is the deal breaker for me. Presenting a false presentation of yourself before we even met. However in my quest to be fully transparent of my journey here, I also will admit that physical attraction is a piece here for me. One that I realize I have struggled with a little bit as I have been meeting people and putting live faces to texts. I was struggling to determine my attraction level. 

While I was looking at the photo more, I realized he had taken a screenshot of the selfie. You could see the camera roll beneath it. Of the 10 last photos in someone's phone. And that's when I saw the naked selfie of a woman on full display. That is also when my stomach plummeted. That is also when my brain went into overdrive as I started to ask myself how I was feeling about this. 

And truthfully, I went to war with myself. I didn’t want to feel bad about cancelling the date. I didn’t want to come across as a prude. I didn’t want to be the “angry woman.” I didn’t want this guy to think anything negative about me. I didn’t want to cause anything more than just being happy and excited to go to the mountain. 

But then I started thinking about meeting him in person and going through the feelings of not thinking he looks like his pictures and the lie about that. I started thinking about how I actually felt in seeing that photo he so carelessly sent to me and someone that would have that on his phone while he was talking to me. I started thinking about the long car ride to the mountain and spending an entire day with this man. I started thinking about needing to pretend for an entire day. 

Both of those feelings and thoughts were completely at war with each other. And I felt so trapped in them. I don’t like ruffling feathers. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like any of it. But I also don’t like feeling uncomfortable for long periods of time either. 

On this one, I had to phone one of my guy friends. I wanted a male's perspective I trusted and I didn’t trust myself to really think through it on my own. I didn’t want to default. I didn’t want to put someone’s needs first. And in that discussion with my friend, it was crystal clear that this was not a situation I should have to be in and I had every right to feel uncomfortable. Weird how it took someone else to say it for me for me to hear that this wasn’t ok. 

So…I didn’t go snowboarding. I told him it made me uncomfortable. We ended talking with each other. And guess what…the world didn’t end. 

And the thing was, I felt a little empty when I made the decision. I was upset. I wanted to go snowboarding. I wanted to be excited about a date. I wanted to be adventuring and seeing if this guy and I might have more of a future down the line. 

I was sitting in my bed, half packed and crying because of the aloneness I felt. With plans falling so badly through the cracks there I didn’t have plans on friday. All the work I did to be able to go to the mountain. So I ate a piece of cake with my dad. (I really did). And then went to bed. 

And so I woke up. And I went to the damn mountain. I didn’t snowboard. But I snowshoed. I took my dog. And guess what…it was what my soul actually needed. I breathed in the deep fresh air. I sat in the sunshine. I played with my girl and I took in the beauty around me. And I felt more grounded. And I knew it was the right call, even if I was the woman crying herself to sleep the night before. I took care of myself. I put myself first. And I felt proud.