Grief is such a fickle bitch.

You have highs, lows, and everything in between. These past 2 days I have cried, screamed, laid in silence, felt nothing, felt everything. I have been pissed, I have been devastated, I have been embarrassed, I have not given a fuck. 

When I decided to start this blog, I wanted to share the real. I  do want to clarify some of the words and phrases used. I want to share the thoughts that flicker through my head, even the dark as hell ones because I told you I would share my truth, even when it's ugly. 

There is a difference between thoughts and actions. A HUGE difference. One that I have spoken in depth with my therapist about. Having these negative thoughts, of unworthiness, wishing you might not wake up, thinking about driving and getting in a car accident are passive. I do not write having a plan here for my death. That is a difference. 

I would also like to clarify that I am on antidepressants. I share this because these are conversations and phrases that are had, questions, discussed to an extent to determine my risk level, but also how I am feeling which can determine my dose. It's important to say this because severity can mean many different things. 

It has always been my intent in sharing this blog to reach others. Others that might feel things here and there that are similar but may not have voiced it. Or others that are ashamed of their feelings. I want to share my rawness with you to help you see that others might be experiencing the same things. 

It has taken me so many years of talking about this, wanting this, wondering if I will ever get myself to truly do this to get here. And I have had a LOT of experience in writing out my soul through my life. I write through everything. Its how I cope. I just am choosing to make public some of what I write. I still hope it is something that continues to help in some way to you. 

Reading has helped me move through some really difficult times in my life. Everything and anything. Just getting out of my head and into someone else’s. So I feel honored for someone else to get inside my head. 

I also make these statements: 

• Antidepressants saved my life. I am so grateful I took a chance on myself to ask for help.

• If you ever feel you are suicidal there are so many support systems and resources available. You are loved. You are valued. You are cherished. 

• I have amazing support systems in place. I have finally after so many damn years learned far better in letting them in. I bet you have people that would be there for you in a heartbeat if you asked them. 

I am honored to have you read my blog. I am hitting a hard low right now. Please know that I talk to my therapist regularly. I have been talking to my friends and my family. I have been feeling the emotions instead of bottling them up. I have been taking my medication. I know I will move through this. I can’t promise it will look pretty. 

Unfortunately I have gone through too much of this shit. 

Fortunately I know from past experience, I will survive.