Hello You

I have written and rewritten this one many times. This one, I am writing to him. This one, brings up all the memories which are so joyful and painful at the same time. I knew this was a post I would get to eventually. It’s been sitting in my heart as I have been working on letting out the emotions, sharing my rawness. This has been sitting here, waiting for its turn. Ofcourse it was going to have a turn. I just needed to get the word vomit out first. I needed to scream and rage and cry and feel the self pity and the thoughts of the world being against me. The questions of what I did to deserve this. The disbelief that my life went from the happiest I have ever been to a big black hole. 

And maybe I keep rewriting it, because I have needed more time to get here. To do this the way I really want to. To be raw and real and ready for it. My heart just can’t help but reach out. It is just who I am. I don’t ever want things to be left on bad terms. I care. I care so much. 

This one is to him. 

Hello you, 

Yes you. I am smiling as I write this. I promise you I am. This is how I always want to remember our story. The boy and the girl that for a pocket of time, really had it all.  

How could I not thank you. How could I not look back over our time together and have a grin on my face, even if it makes the pain sharp now that it is gone. Our time. What we had. It was real. 

I met you in that coffee shop and noticed that beautiful smile of yours first. When I drove home I couldn’t stop smiling. I knew you were going to be someone I had to get to know. It was a feeling hard to describe, but it just felt so good and I wanted to keep leaning in. 

I noticed right away how comfortable I was around you. Something that usually takes me so much longer to feel. I just felt at peace. Like this was a safe place for me to just be me. I was still nervous in the newness kind of way. I noticed everything. I noticed the little details and care you took to get to know me, try and understand my heart, figuring me out with those beautiful and thoughtful brown eyes. You made me feel seen. You saw me.

We did the fancy dinner, we did the comfy clothes on the couch with books in our hands and vegetables and fruit platters spread between us. We went to the gym together. We chased the sun on your bike. You made me so many meals. I made you one. We flew in the fake skydiving tunnel. We found love.

Our beach trip weekend with the dogs….I couldn’t tell you fast enough that I loved you. I was bursting at the seams. When you said it back,  I just felt like everything was falling into place as it should. And it really did. 

You were a dream. A dream I didn’t even know existed. I felt so special. You made me feel so special. I started thinking about all the things. I am not going to list them out. You and I both know. You showed me through your actions and your words how much I meant to you. I felt it. I saw it all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The impact you had on my life. It’s so painful in the goodbye. But it was earth shatteringly beautiful while it lasted. We danced in the sun together for as long as we could. I will always have that. 

Life is life. The steps in both of our worlds that brought us together was a dance I am eternally grateful for. The steps of  the dance now take us away from each other. It is just life.

I will never regret it. Even in my lowest of lows. We happened. You and me. And it was so very stunning. It was so very beautiful. It was so very real. 

Thank you for simply being you. 

Words will never be enough. 

Goodbye. I will always want happiness for you.

Me