My Tribe

Ok all….

I am going to cry while writing this one. It’s going to be the ugly cry where your face turns red, you hold in some of your breath and so it makes you hiccup cry at the same time. These tears though, won’t be sad tears. They will be grateful tears. Tears for the love people have shown me. Tears for the gentle care of others that have held me, been there for me, caught me as I went into free fall this weekend. Tears because through the love others have shown, I know I am going to be ok. 

I have struggled in letting people in. I still do to some extent. I can be very very private. I don’t like people to see me in pain; which is hilarious that I made this blog public. It's a bit uncomfortable if I am being honest. But I am pushing myself. It is time to no longer hide. It hasn’t served me. This is my journey of healing. This next phase is about not hiding who I am and what I feel.

This time….I didn’t hide my tears, my wobbly voice, my pain that was written all over my face. Still is. And my tribe embraced me and it brings me to literal tears talking about it. I have been embraced with such love, such ferocious protectiveness, such grace and gentleness. I have been devastated, but I also have felt such amazing comfort at the same time. 

When I left his house, my world completely toppled over; I drove straight to my mom. And I think she cried as hard as I cried. She knew my heart. She knew my pain. We cried and rocked and hugged and yelled. Not everyone has a mom they can go to like that. I feel so damn grateful to have her in my life. That support. Knowing without a doubt I have her not only in my corner but holding my hand and stroking my hair as I cry my eyes out. 

That night I lay in my bed. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to breathe. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up thinking it was all just a nightmare. Both of my parents crawled in bed and held me while I cried. I am bawling right now thinking about their love. Seeing my parents' tears fall for my broken heart and lost dreams….. As heartbreaking as it is, it's one of the most beautiful things I have experienced in this world. 

I got to see my niece and nephew. I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my face as they so joyously played around me. Such innocence and beauty watching them. I really need them more in my life. They bring me such happiness. 

I hugged my brother. I haven't hugged him like that for years. And I needed it more than he probably realizes. It was the kind of hug that was your heart to their heart…a real hug. I can’t tell you how much I just needed that. And my sister in law hugged me too and I just felt their love. And I needed to feel their love. I have missed it so deeply.

My friends showed up for me. I can’t begin to express my gratitude and love. 

• Flowers and a card made from children I absolutely adore showed up at my door

• So many phone calls and so much crying. Seeing the tears falling on my friends faces as I cried through it all….I just love you guys. 

• Following up on me…making sure I am ok, I am eating, I am sleeping. 

• The offers of so many sleeping drugs

• Texting me all day long as I felt the loss of not texting him throughout my days

• Coworkers that have expressed such love and offers of support

• Going to my friend's house next week in Denver since the surprise trip he was going to take me on was supposed to be next week and the idea of having that day come felt too hard to do alone.

• Making me laugh even through the tears; my friends story of her peeing outside of the camper in the middle of the night, just to realize it wasn’t far enough away and it trickled inside…camping fail. I love you. I needed that laugh and that smile it brought.

• My friend being my date or offering her husband as my date to “The Book of Mormon” tickets I had bought. 

• My parents, spending the day with my dog on Monday knowing she wasn’t going to be seeing her dog friend she got too used to spending her days with. 

I have been so scared in my life to let people see me as not ok. Maybe I have just hit my limit of hiding. I made my blog public, because as painful and scary as it is to share the rawness, the whole point of this blog was to share my story to help anyone and everyone else see that life is not perfect, we all struggle, we all hide things, we are all just trying the very best we can and sometimes that’s simply getting out of bed. 

And the love and support I have received by people near and far in my life that have reached out after reading my blog has meant so much. Each and every one of you. Each and every comment. It means so much to me for so many reasons. And I hope that my words can have a positive impact for anyone else feeling lonely or lost. I see you. I am there too. But it's going to be ok. 

I am so grateful. Words are not enough for the people that have showed up and continue to show up for me. It’s showing me that when you fall ... .it's ok to show it. You do not need to hold it all together when you have people that want to pick you up. Some of the cracks have mended in my heart knowing these people…these amazing people…these people I love so dearly have wanted to help pick me up. 

I can’t thank you enough. I can’t express my love enough. 

I am in awe of the love you all have and show. 

I love you too.