Holding My Breath

I find myself holding on to so many things these days…

Holding my breath. 

Holding in my happiness.

Holding onto my fear.

Holding onto this bubble of pure joy I am feeling. 

I am waiting for the bubble to burst. And I honestly hate that I feel that way. What is it about me that I cannot just fully lean into the pure and safety of the joy I feel in my heart? Why is it that I find myself looking around the corner, still anticipating the train wreck to come. 

I don’t want to feel that way. And there are a lot of days that go by in which case I can banish those thoughts away. But they come slinking back into the recesses of my mind. The lingering and unwanted house guest. And I find myself waiting. Waiting for it to end. Waiting for my world to collapse. Waiting for everything to change for the worst. 

Why is it that I feel this way? Why is it that I experience pure love and joy and I am instantly scared of it. Why is it that there is a part of me that rejects it because I don’t want to feel this good, thinking that it will make the fall that much worse. 

The rug certainly has been ripped out from under me many times in my life. I have needed to start over again and again. I have lived in the mode of “one day at a time” while climbing out of pure hell before. Have I gotten so used to that, that this feeling is now foreign? How sad that would be. 

I don’t want to hold my breath anymore. I want to breathe deep strong breaths of this new life I have created for myself and the wonderful and beautiful souls in it. I want to soak in this peace I feel, that I have battled inner demons to feel. I want to bathe in the light of living out dreams, feeling things I have never felt before and laughing deep and hard in this world that I feel lucky is my own these days. 

Fear has driven so much of my life. Fear of letting people down. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being too loud, too much, too me that wouldn’t be accepted. Fear of falling. Fear of not being able to get back up. Now I fear losing this blossom of happiness I have found, fought for, discovered and claimed as mine. I fear it will disappear. I fear going backwards after I have worked to come so far. 

So for the last month or so, I have held my breath and looked apprehensively around corners. I have downplayed my feelings. I have aimed for slow and steady. I have wanted to stay on a path I set out for myself. The framework I layed when I went to Arizona and shed so much from my previous circumstances and life. 

I want to no longer hold in the breath of anxiety and fear. I want to breathe deep…in and out…and truly accept that right now I feel such contentment in myself and my life. I want to share my sunshine. 

I am sitting here in my condo in Canmore, Canada. I reclaimed the trip that I lost so many months ago. I crossed the border with no hurdles, hiccups or missteps. And more healing occurred. It is beyond words how utterly amazing and gorgeous and stunning it is here. Beyond words. 

I have my wolf dog here. When I adopted her a year ago I had this vision. A vision of her and I in the mountains. Seeing that vision come to life, seeing it before my eyes as she hikes by my side, exploring this land with me…it's a dream. A true dream came to life. 

I feel closer to those in my life. Is it because I know they are reading this? Is it because I feel I can share more of myself? Is it because they have shown me time and time again that if I let them, they will be there for me? Is it because I am learning to let people in deeper these days? All of the above. 

I have felt a lot of peace in my living situation. Living with my father at 36 was a hard pill for me to swallow even if I made the choice to do this; renting out my house these past 8 months. It has taken time for me to not only accept, but appreciate the circumstances I am in. There has been so much joy and growth  in our father-daughter relationship. I feel fortunate these days. 

I have a new someone in my life. Someone that came in with a force it’s hard to even put words to. Fears I have had trickle away. Anxiety I have felt in my past have not surfaced. This human has come in with such grace and gentle support. I feel seen in a way I have never felt seen before. 

Now that I have voiced these things out loud, I cannot help but feel the uncertainty of “what happens if things come crumbling down.” I am not exactly sure what happens, how I handle it, what is to come if things change for the worse. But maybe that is the point. Life changes. This I know. It is a constant….change. There are hurdles that will come. Life is bound not to be perfect. 

So even while it is uncomfortable for me to bask in the joy I feel on this day…that is exactly what I am going to do…through the fear and uncertainty. I just want to breathe and feel and live freely. So I am going to try.