I Am Still That Woman

Admittedly, I feel anxious about writing at the moment. I opened myself up to my social world to a heartbreak I never thought I would feel. It was freeing…yes. But it also feels like I just released years and years and years worth of built up self preservation; or at least what I thought was self preservation at the time. I am feeling so uncertain in the feelings that surround me. I feel like I drained my emotions over the past week, I have put my tears within my fingers and I broadcasted my deeper being to the world. 

Truthfully, this is not a love I just get over in a week or two. None of the loves in my life have left me feeling like I could just move on quickly. They have frozen me in time. Frozen my feet into the very ground where these heartbreaking situations occurred. And now, it’s like all three of them are overlapping. The emotions of them all come in waves. 

I am still the woman walking by the river with him; sitting on that bench and ending things. Just to have that final conversation, that final closing of my throat as we both stood in the house we bought together and said I am officially and completely stopping. I still feel that moment. The weight of that moment for us both. The five years after that came from that decision. 

I am still the woman in the passenger seat as he drove me to the airport for me to leave the trip we had planned; to leave him. Where he asked me what I was thinking and I replied with “I am trying my best not to think.” When I got out of the car, I hugged him and grabbed my luggage and forced myself not to turn around. Every single step I wanted to, but I didn’t. 

I am still the woman that went to bed that night feeling like something was wrong. Waking up the next morning with that same dreaded feeling. Walking into his house knowing my life was going to change but unsure exactly how yet. I told myself in the car on the way over that no matter what, I would survive this, whatever it was. I ran out of his house not even an hour later, questioning that very sentiment I told myself. 

Those are also only one side of this story called my life. 

I am still the woman that had the courage to face a complete unknown. I am still the woman that took her time, wanted to know it was the right decision before ending 11 years for both of their sakes. The one who through all of the tears, the fear of the unknown of starting over with so many elements of her life, was strong enough to make the decision for us both. 

I am still the woman that knew she was going under. The one that was trying everything and anything but was starting to lose herself. The one that wanted nothing more than to be in his arms forever, but couldn’t go back there to a place of secrets and pain. The one that did everything she could think of not to hurt him as she took steps forward for herself.

I am still the woman standing today. The one that is still learning how to transition back out of something so beautiful. I am still the woman today that has fear but hope for a better tomorrow. I am the woman that let him go as gracefully as I could (we are all imperfect). I am the woman that knows deep down there is still great love ahead. 

I am all of those women still. I always will be. They all makeup who I am today. They all have played a part and will continue to play parts that outline who I am still yet to become. They are a part of me just as much as my beating heart. I am who I am because of them, for better or for worse. And the pain of each still comes in waves in their own way. 

The major crossroads of past relationships all have played a part in who I am today. 

The “who I am today” is the one that re-read her first post. That still is in this quest of my year. To make mistakes. To have great love. To go through heartbreak. To lean into the opportunities of saying “yes.” To hold tighter the ones I love. 

Most importantly, to continue to put myself first and take this world by storm. 

It is but a year. 

I have been jumping. 

It’s time to continue.