Slow Down

Life has always been a race to me. How can I speed up? How can I get through to the next phase? How can I fast forward through the bad parts? How can I fast forward to the even better parts? 

I have lived my life for the next chapter. Always. 

I think I have been running; running from the pain; running because of the fear; running because the version of what will be good and beautiful in my head feels better than the reality so much of the time. God, how I have lived in the future….

• When I am skinny people will love me, I will find a boyfriend and live happily ever after.

• When I go to college I am going to become best friends with my brother, join a sorority and have best friends for life.

• When I graduate I will have a dream job that pays my bills and I will finally be happy and never have to worry about money again. 

• When I go to couple’s counseling with him everything will be fixed and we will get married and have babies and live in bliss for the rest of our lives.

• When I buy my own house, I will be successful enough for people to see me as an accomplished person and want to be around me, come over, love me, etc. 

• When he gets a job he will come back to me emotionally. 

• When I meet his kids he will see me as worthy enough to want to take the next step, and then the next and the next. 

• When I make my blog public, my writing career will finally fall into place and all will be as it should in the world. 

• When I find someone to date they will be my person and I will never have to go through heartbreak again. 

Sometimes, living in the future has saved me. It has pulled me through some very hard times. Needing to believe in a better tomorrow; having hope; seeing through the darkness. There is a time and a place for that. 

Sometimes, living in the future has really hurt me. The reality, not living up to the fake dream created and creating this unrealistic version of what ought to happen instead of loving and appreciating what has happened or is happening. 

Right now, I want to fast forward. I am so tired of being in heartbreak pain. I didn’t think I would be back here so soon after healing from last time. I absolutely despise being here. It feels like I am stuck. It feels like I am on pause. It feels like I am not moving forward to still want to have hope for love and a beautiful future ahead. I deeply want to fast forward. I don’t want to feel this anymore. 

I want love. I want to love. I want that partnership with someone. I want that bliss back. I want the joyous laughter and moments where you share your soul and they look at you with such understanding and compassion. I want that comfort of someone’s presence, I want that hand on my waist as I fall asleep in comfort. I want to feel the safety someone else can provide. I want that future so badly right now it hurts.

And I can feel that, but also know that I need to slow down instead. I need to feel the right here and right now. I need to take the time I need to heal. I need to put myself first. I need to take care of myself. I can’t fast forward. There are lessons to learn here. There are things I need to feel and heal from. I need to see how strong I am. I need to process my feelings. I need to recognize where I am at and so thoughtfully and to be the gentle hand my heart needs right now. 

I need to slow down and see it all for what is. Not what it was. Not what I hope will be. But to just see what is. There isn’t a button for that. There isn’t a time table. It is a moment by moment, baby step by baby step thing. And the most loving thing I can do for myself, is taking it slow, learning myself, feeling and believing and trusting myself and the next step (whatever that step is) will be beautiful in its own way. 

I need to trust that no matter what tomorrow brings I am capable, strong, sure footed and brave. I need to know that someone else loving me isn’t my end all be all. I need to get to know myself and chase the dreams I have. I need to let go of the need for other people’s validation. I have a lot that I need to do in this here and now. 

The future will come. I need to be ready for it when it does. 

*I honestly don’t know if this came from a movie quote and I am not trying to steal someone else’s work. It was just the punchline I needed to feel strong at the end…so we are going with it.