Where did the feelings go?

Some moments, it is like my heart can’t stand to keep the words inside any longer. I sit down and it pours out, one word, one sentence at a time. These moments I love. It is like I can place the words here. I can let them go. I can reread them and feel it, what it was like to sit at the keyboard and just express like that. I feel so very grateful I have this as an outlet. 

Some moments, I sit at my computer and I don’t feel much. Is it numbness to my insides? Have I run empty on letting it out? Do I actually truly not feel much in that moment? 

Are the numb parts healthy? Are they normal? I can feel such deep and great emotions at some points, and at others, I just go to work, go to yoga, lift, read, and repeat. And I feel like while I think about things, I don’t feel them deeply. 

Is this a new stage of grief? Am I out of grief yet? I feel like at some points I really am. And then sometimes as I am driving I notice the tesla’s around me, looking to see if it’s him. 

But emotions don’t come with that. It’s just the look.The look over to see if his life is continuing on without me. Well of course it is. Mine is continuing on too. But have I hit the place of no longer having the blows to my stomach, tears instantly coming with another wave? I still think back with sadness. But there is a numbness to it, or maybe it’s the raw that is missing these days. 

It isn’t raw anymore. It still hurts for deeper reasons. It still is a circumstance I wish never happened. It’s still a lot of things. But I no longer yearn for things to be different. I no longer secretly hope for anything. I no longer have any hope for that ever being a direction my path goes again. And thinking that, doesn’t seem to have the same bite as before. 

My heart seems to be picking itself up. It’s been slow. It’s been so incredibly painful. It’s been so confusing along the way. He was never my sun. He just showed me light I didn’t know existed. And thus, it is still my path to be in that sunshine. I didn’t know it would be just me. But I am learning how that is an ok path as well. 

Maybe, dare I say this….I needed to get broken in just that way. Maybe the lessons I am so upset to be having, are because I have deeper things to face. Maybe I broke so easily because the things I thought I had healed were mere stitches at the top…but I was internally bleeding out and didn’t realize it. 

So maybe…just maybe….the rawness of him, the pain, the devastation might just be for something. It was his story for a short time. What he did. The choices he made. Now it's about me. My story. My journey. My life. 

I am grateful that I sit by my computer some days and don’t have anything to say. That the deep emotions I have been feeling far too much have dried up to some extent, that not every day I sit here, I just cry and bleed and scream and feel too much. I can talk about him without it hurting like it used to. I can talk about me without him being my center. 

Maybe that is the testament…in my writing, in this chapter to showcase someone that goes from wondering if the sun will ever rise again, to knowing that her steps have nothing to do with the sun. They have to do with her. But that the sun never left her. It was simply waiting patiently for her to wake up and realize it will always be there.