2025 - We Made It!

New Year - We made it. 2025

This morning I woke up to a new year. Hasn’t this been what this blog started with? A new year to take back my life. 

The thing is….I already have jumped into that. I started this trip and this journey and I can’t tell you the healing that has already occurred. I am not here to make a new years resolution only for it to disappear from my thoughts within a few days, weeks or months. I am here because my soul yearns for more. My heart yearns to heal. I yearn to be free and to feel free always. 

So while I am waking up in Arizona to a new year, I already feel like a different person. I already am feeling the moves and decisions I have made in the last few weeks having an effect on my life today. 

So maybe today, it’s about looking forward, but also about the gratitude of the steps taken. Because I am so grateful. I am so relieved to know I am capable. I am strong enough. I can make steps forward. That is more than I could say for myself a few months ago. 

But here is the thing. It is not this beautiful story of a woman that has finally opened her eyes and the world just falls into place so effortlessly for her. It is not a story where she climbs out of a hole and its rainbows and sunshines forever and ever amen. It is not a path that just all of a sudden appears and looks like the most beautiful path ever laid. At least..that is not the case for me. For it is only my story to tell. 

I am so very grateful I got in that car. I am so very grateful I booked this trip. I am so very grateful that I asked my therapist for help. I am so very grateful I got on the plane, leaving him when my body screamed not to.  I am so grateful that I have leaned on the people in my life that have been rocks in so many wonderful ways these past few months whether they realize it or not. I am so very grateful I have taken pauses in the last few months to check in (really check in) with myself to see where and how I am feeling. I am so grateful for that self awareness. If I hadn’t made even one of those decisions or steps, I wouldn’t be here. Even if “here” is not perfect. Even if “here” is still lonely. Even if “here” I still am struggling more than I care to admit. I am “here”. I am grateful I am “here”. 

I also am grateful that I have felt it all. Which, had you asked me that even 2 months ago I would have likely bitten your head off, rushed into my closet, slamming the door behind me and bawled my eyes out. Feeling it all has been devastating. My heart shattered. I lost sight of anything beautiful in this world. I felt darkness surrounding me, suffocating me and I didn’t come up for air for a very long time. I still feel it, to some extent. I am not fully healed. I don’t know if there ever will be such a thing. But feeling it all means I was and am facing it all, regardless if I wanted to or not. 

Facing it all has gotten me here. Here being a place where I am now removed out of the bubble I was trapped in, not being able to see outside of that situation and pain. I was trapped in my day to day reality, not being able to get perspective. Not being able to see beyond. 

So today, I am seeing beyond. I am seeing the pain. I am seeing the heart breaking situation. I am seeing how far I fell. I am seeing the mentality I was lost within for too long. But now…now I am seeing beyond it. I am seeing a different perspective. I am seeing paths that go in a lot of different directions. I see choices. I see happiness. I see the ability of a future that can bring so many different things based on steps I get to choose which direction they go. I am seeing today. And for that, I am so very grateful I took the heartbreaking steps to get here. 

So this morning as I sit in bed with my cup of coffee I am content in just feeling the freedom I have painstakingly worked for, for my here and now. It is what I am holding onto as we enter into this new year and this new journey of “me” ahead.