Banff Canada

Banff, Canada.

This has been on my bucket list for years. This was a dream trip in the making. I have envisioned this trip so many times over the past many months. 

November 2024, I booked this trip. I was bound and determined to take back something I had lost. I booked this trip because it was a dream, but it also was an escape. Escape from the pain. Escape from the memory of trying to go a few months earlier and being turned away at the border because my partner at the time could not get in. The woman who sat so naively in that room, feet crossed, bouncing excitedly in anticipation of entering Canada, just to be told we wouldn’t be going; that was a devastating blow for her. The trip I had planned down to the hour fell through my hands like sand. Everything had to be canceled. I lost my dream trip. Shortly after I lost my partner and crumbled into  a very dark place in my life. 

This trip held so much emotion for me in re-booking it. Going alone. Proving that I could. Taking back what was taken from me. Clinging to the escape and allowing no one to take away my dream. I hit “book” with that in mind. And I watched the months/days go by as it drew nearer.

Then I went to Arizona. And I felt freedom in this type of trip. This solo trip to get away, to regroup, to breathe. I felt free. And I in turn, felt that much more anticipation for Banff. That longing to feel such freedom again; to feel my strength; to remember who the hell I was. 

I was anticipating that euphoric feeling I felt in Arizona. Of flying on top of the world and relishing in that alone time. I was thinking that I would get there and thrive; not wanting to ever come home; be weepy by the end of the eventual return to reality. I was anticipating so much for the trip I reclaimed. And honestly, I felt none of those things. 

Let me first say; Banff Canada is beyond incredible. To see such vast beauty such as that  was absolutely amazing. More than amazing. Words and pictures will never do it the justice. Taking my wolf dog was beyond my wildest dreams. The visions I had for she and I when I first brought home that scared little puppy were coming to life. My friend met me there for a few days and it was the perfect way to explore the national park and town. My partner flew in at the end to road-trip home with me. That meant more to me than I think he knows. There was so much good in that trip. In so many ways, it meant so much to me. 

But it was not the same feeling I felt in Arizona. I didn’t feel that freedom or euphoria. I didn’t wish I could stay longer. I wasn’t sad when I left. And in fact, I actually cut my trip short. It was not what I expected and truth be told, I sat in those feelings very confused while I was there. 

It wasn’t until I was talking to my therapist today about my feelings and lack of feeling for this trip that meant everything to me when I hit “book” that I gained clarity. 

Arizona. I needed freedom. I needed clarity. I needed to be alone to feel what I needed to feel. 

Banff. I didn’t need any of those things. Because I already had them. So Banff became a trip. A fun trip. But just a trip. When it originally was where I thought I would need to continue to search for my meaning, my peace, my clarity. I just already had so much security in those things. 

So I just missed the people in my life. I just wanted to share this experience with my new partner. I realized partially through it, that I just also wanted to come home. 3 weeks was too long. I didn’t need to go run and escape and hide from the world. My world was not something to run from but to run to instead. 

It’s funny. I really thought it would be this life changing dream come true. What it made me realize instead, is that my dream was waiting back where I left it. Home with the people I love.