I Need Gentle

I am finding it difficult not to question the world, what I believe, who I am at the moment. Today, I woke up just wondering why the hell it was in my journey to have gone through this. All of this. 

Why did I need to be someone else's collateral damage? Didn’t the world see that I barely got out of the last situation I was in…that it left me bare and vulnerable and scared. 

I have tried so hard and beaten myself up so much in times where I have hurt others. I still remember comments that came out callously. I still see the times I was not my kindest self. I still feel the guilt of those situations. I still always want to be someone’s light, not a part of their pain, or self doubt or troubled mind. I have tried so hard to be gentle with people’s hearts. I know what it is like to feel broken. I never would want someone around me to feel that. 

Why have others used me as collateral damage on their own quest to healing? Why have I needed to play that role for so many? Why, this last time was my heart treated like it wasn’t being ripped apart; that it didn’t matter the pain I have experienced; like my world could change on its axis in less than 12 hours without the gentle care I needed? 

I have needed gentle. I have not received that in my life. What does that say about me? What does that say about the life path I am leading? 

I feel stupid. Stupid because I wonder if I mattered to him.  Stupid because I thought it was real. Stupid because it meant so much to me and I cannot fathom it being thrown away like it was garbage. Stupid because I am still crying over someone who threw us away without a backwards glance when we were in such bliss. Or so I had thought. Stupid as I reflect back; sitting at his front door bawling as he didn’t even come to the door. Just….stupid. 

Today is a hard day. I am so badly wanting to be healed. I am so badly wishing this never happened. I so badly want to reverse time and steer into another direction. I so badly am wondering why this needed to be a piece of my story. This is more pain I never wanted to pick up. Add it to the damn list of my life. 

It just makes me question it all. My story to healing seems to be one step forward, two steps back. What did I miss? Why did this happen to me? Why is it that more pain needs to continue to pile on? I just want to be someone’s light. I wish someone could see that and want to be that for me. 

I need gentle. Gentle touches with my heart. I fear that will never come. 

I just know this has changed me. I wish it didn’t. I wish I didn’t wear the tainted skin of fear of being dropped like that. The fear I now carry forward on what is real for someone else vs. what is real for me. The idea that this could happen to me again….it’s enough for me to put my heart on a shelf to collect dust. I need gentle. I fear that will never come. 

I wish I had optimism today. The ending that says it will be ok. The inner self that says…dammit I am the sun. Maybe tomorrow. Today I just feel like a piece of my trusting heart was taken away, and I worry that it will never come back. That I am changed forever; and this change isn’t one I like or would choose.

And I suppose this is what time and healing looks like; days where you don’t feel like you have healed at all. Days where you are sitting back mentally on that couch listening to him speak and experiencing the pain starting to wrack through your body. While I know there are lighter days behind and ahead, today in my healing journey, I have sat back down and cried my eyes out. 

I really wanted it. I really wanted him to be different. I really wanted to finally lay my head down in someone’s lap and know that they would always be gentle with my heart for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get back up again. I don’t want to face the reality. Im tired. I just need gentle. And gentle may never come.