Emma

I have been avoiding writing about you. I feel so guilty about it and yet, I have shied away time and time again. Writing about you, feels like an end. I don’t ever want to it to be the end. Even though I know it was. My life is continuing. One painful and emotional footstep at a time. I come home and you are no longer here. I work at my desk and you no longer are snoring softly underneath. My dad makes eggs in the morning and you no longer are crying out your battle cry as you anticipate the meal ahead. You are everywhere; and yet nowhere. I have been avoiding it my sweet girl. It hurts.It just all hurts. 

If I write this, will I heal even more? I feel such guilt in the healing. You are my baby. How can I be healing when you are not here? I feel like I should hurt forever, because I have loved you that much. So if I go moments, hours, days with thinking of you and smiling instead of crying, who am I as your momma? I want to heal and yet, I don’t at all. Because my love for you is as big as the ocean. Never an end in sight. Will healing make it an end? I don’t want an end with us. I never want an end with us. 

I will do my best, knowing it is never enough to express you to the world. The fire sprite that so gently and ferociously took on the world. Please forgive me. I won’t ever be able to do you justice in sharing your soul. Noone could. But I will try. 

I love you. You not being here has left me feeling like I lost a part of myself. You and I. I know my baby girl that we were entwined. You were my girl. And I know I was yours. The best gift was getting to be your momma in this world for such a small time. I feel like a piece of my heart still rests with you, wherever you are my love. And even as I of course would want you to hold onto that piece of me so tightly, I feel a little lost without you. I feel less than whole. 

How do I express to you how much I know you saved me? I could tell you the words. I did. So many times…whispered through tears as we lay together, sat together in the dark, cried into your fur. You saved me Emma. Through the countless hours of never leaving me alone. You were there. Through my gut wrenching moments in life, you were there. Through all of the pain of my past, you were there; my quiet shadow. You were always there for me. You were always just…there. How can you not be anymore? I still can barely type those words. 

You were just unapologetically you. What a pleasure it was to experience that. Such a sensitive and fiery soul. I have never seen such a contrast. And yet, my soul recognized myself in you. That quiet acceptance of both being true, both being bold, both being so a part of you as things not to hide away but to showcase to the world. You, my love, have been my teacher for so long. What do I do now without you showing me the way. I still want you here to show me the way. I still need you. 

I am still having such a hard time with other dogs sleeping with me. The crook under my arm, your chin resting on my bicep. That was your place. That was our place. We found such peace there together. I can’t bare it yet, to have another dog cozy up to me. That has been your spot. You have fought off Sky for that spot. You have defended what has been yours. And baby, that has absolutely been yours. It was ours. I still am holding onto it. Even when I feel guilty of the momma I am being to my other babies. It was ours my love. Im not ready yet. And I hope the world can understand that. 

I didn’t want to start writing. I wanted to continue to bury it. Push down the pain. Look at the places you no longer are and look away, quickly so as to distract my mind. I have been so scared to write about you. The pain is so intense. It’s too much. I just miss you. I look for you. I so badly want you to show me that you are ok. We have gone your whole life with me worrying about you. I can’t turn that off. And yet, it’s so painful to know that I will never know again. I can’t comprehend that. A momma will always want to make sure her baby is ok. What do you do if you are a momma that won’t ever know. 

Forgive me my love. I need to take a break. I need to pause. I can only release so much of my pain into the world right now. I am broken. I am struggling and putting on a mask. I think about you and the finality is all too much. Forgive me for struggling. Forgive me that I need to let my emotions calm. I need to focus on other things. The broken parts of me need to rest. I need to be able to look at the places you took up so beautifully. I want to laugh with your spirit one day. But right now, I am devastated. And I need to pause this morning. Please forgive me my Emma for pausing; and yet, I know my love you would understand as you always have.