This Feels Different

I can feel it. I have been waiting and experiencing and going through the process to get here. I have been hoping it would come soon, but I know myself well enough that I will take the time necessary to get here. There are no shortcuts through pain. Unless you want to bury it, pretend it away, avoid it. All things I have been fighting not to do. And here I am; feeling something different. 

I can feel the tiny threads trying to piece back my heart. They are almost non-existent; maybe a little see through, but they are there. I can think about life without the full weight of the heaviness I have been carrying these past couple of weeks. It’s a funny thing, how life just doesn’t stop. The people in it just don’t stop. Time just keeps going whether my head is buried in my hands or lifted up to start seeing the world. I want to start seeing the world again.

I am holding onto that feeling. I know grief comes in waves. I know I am not done. I don’t think I will ever be done. But I will continue to heal so it eventually becomes one more lesson and step of my past. 

I am holding onto the following feel’s below. Nothing we feel or need is too small or too large. What is your list? What is helping you cope, feel, be excited, jump around with passion? There are no wrong answers in our journey with ourselves. It’s about taking the time to stop and notice the changes, notice the feelings that come and go and relish in the fact that life is continuing on. You will continue on! You can feel like absolute shit. You can also start to lift your head, when you are ready; slowly but surely. I am starting to lift my head. 

My feels: 

• Work

• Hot Yoga

• Weight Lifting

• Reading

• Upcoming Trips

• Friends

• Family

• Writing

• What I have ahead of me

• I feel so productive and proud with work. While there are a lot of balls in the air, I feel pride in my chest for the juggle I am doing. 

• I had hot yoga and it was one of the more intense sessions I have had in awhile. I am grateful for the body that is capable, that is strong, that is mine.

• I feel lighter today, this morning. And honestly, I know this comes and goes but I just am soaking in this lightness. 

• The beautiful roses I was gifted. Roses from my friend’s garden she brought to me. I feel thankful for that kind of love and care. 

• I am reading a book I am pretty obsessed with. The ability to have this passion, to escape when needed, but just fall in love with others words and stories is happiness for me today. 

• To be staying in Denver with my friend. With the ability to work here. The flexibility I have worked for in my career and leaning into that flexibility to see the people I love. 

• The deep conversations I have been having with the people I love. It’s like the floodgates opening helped me strengthen my relationships and ability to speak about the things I have been going through. 

• My Blog. I have been wanting to write, to share, to open up this part of myself for a very very very long time. I have agonized about it, wished for it, dreamed of it and taken no steps to actually share, be open, be vulnerable in this way. Maybe having one more broken heart was just…too much for me to stop getting in my own way of this dream. 

Write your list. No wrong answers. What are the feelings you are holding onto that lift you up and remind you of who you are and what you have? Write it down. Read it. Its' ok to start feeling ok after heartbreak or loss. It’s ok to start remembering that you have such positives in your life even if you still feel some of the negatives. A list can be so helpful in creating, in just reminding you there is more in your life to this situation. Go on. Go write it. Take 30 minutes of time for yourself.