I wish I could hate him...

My heart is broken. My heart is so incredibly sensitive these days and it cracked wide open once more. 

I want to hate him for it. I really do. I think it would make it easier for me. And trust me…grief has an element of anger. And I have hit it for sure. But I don’t hate him. I can’t. 

He told me he loved me. 

He told me he was going to hold onto me forever and never let me go. 

I said these things back to him. I meant them with my whole entire heart. 

He let me go. 

I so wanted him to never let me go. I wanted it and still want it so badly. Even now. I am mad at myself for even thinking that as my heart lay in pieces around me. 

But here is the thing. I can’t hate him. 

When children are involved there is a black and white. They come first. No matter what. I respect him for the decisions he makes in putting his children first.

Do I hurt for feeling like there was a massive decision at the table that was made in less than 24 hours that resulted in me feeling so disposable….absolutely. It hurts so badly. 

Do I wish things were different…..so much so. I felt like I would have done anything to change things. 

Do I wish there was more conversations…more thoughts…more scenarios to think through before ending things…..100000000000000 percent. 

But I don’t hate him. I know he feels he is doing what is right. 

And even through my broken heart I still want the best for him. 

I can't turn off my love. It doesn't work like that.