Am I Even Healing?

You can say that you are healing. You can say that you are putting boundaries in place. You can say that you are moving on. But when the rubber hits the road, where are you at, truly?

When you are letting him go. And it hurts. It hurts still so much. 

When you have agonized for days/weeks/months about how to not hurt him, and now you know you are. 

When you are just trying to breathe, and you feel like you got punched in the gut by a text message he sent. 

Where am I at… really in my healing? Now, I am not sure I know anymore. And if I can be rattled so incredibly easy by one exchange, maybe I just am not doing as well as I thought or hoped to be. 

I don’t want to hurt anyone. God…it hurts me thinking about hurting someone else. I sacrifice myself, my happiness, my peace, to try not to hurt anyone else. Because here we are. I feel like a monster. I feel like I am worthless. I feel like I should be alone forever so I don’t hurt anyone else. This is a position that makes me want to crawl into my dark hole again and not come out. I would never want to do something to hurt him. I was just trying to breathe. 

Maybe I am not cut out for a relationship. I don’t know if I know how to put myself first without feeling the emotional pain of the other person that wants me to be someone I just am not. But I try to be. I always try to be. And that breaks me in the process of trying. 

I wish he could understand. I wish he could know how much my heart is broken still. How I don’t know how to be around him and not have it continue to break. I wish he knew how sensitive of a person I am. That one text message can strip me bare to the healing I thought I was doing. I wish he could know that and understand. That, that is why I need the space I asked for. 

I wish he knew that I am still mentally sitting in that chair, holding his hand in the hospital from almost a year ago. That I reached out to the universe then to ask we trade places. That I would have taken on his pain. All of it. I wish he knew that I never wanted to be a cause…one more cause of his pain in life. I always wanted to be a fix, a cure, a reason to bring in the light. I wish he knew that I wanted for so long to do everything and anything to save him, including destroying myself in the process if that is what it took. 

That woman that held his hand back then. She still must be here a little bit. Because one text message and she cracked. A crack down her chest. Even as she tried her hardest not to crack. She cracked because she knew she was now a part of the cause of his pain when all she wanted to be was a cure. And coming to terms with that broke her again. It’s breaking me again.